Why Marines Don’t Kiss is the first porn movie I ever bought. I was at Circus of Books in West Hollywood looking for additional copies of a magazine with one of my lay-outs in it and decided to browse the gay porn section of the shop. As soon as I spotted the cover of Why Marines Don’t Kiss featuring two Marines in dress blues leaning in for that very thing, the video just sort of jumped into my hand and shortly thereafter I was out the door with my prize.

In retrospect, it was sort of the perfect choice since it is practically a chick flick for queers. It’s like a Lifetime Movie on crack. With Porn! And lots of hardcore fucking! Seriously though, it is just like a Lifetime movie. The protagonist (Hodge Armstronge) falls in love with another Marine, but they’re both bottoms so they have to get other guys to fuck them and Hodge’s new boyfriend won’t kiss him so it’s very tragic and then his boyfriend goes and has unprotected sex with someone else and apparently dies (or so it is implied), but fortunately our protagonist finds true love in the arms of a civilian who does kiss him and all ends happily. Throw in a couple of flashbacks to our Marines’ fathers having sex while on duty in Vietnam and we’re done!

If it sounds pretty silly and stupid, it is, but it is also pretty damn hot. The movie opens with a montage of the absolutely gorgeous Hodge Armstronge arranging his dress blues uniform precisely and then he turns towards the camera and mouths “I’m gay.” After that he spends some time talking to the camera and laying out his tale of woe and then we’re off to the sex. There are several excellent sex scenes in the movie, including one with Derek Thomas in the front seat of a red convertible which is very much vroom vroom.

So I’ll shut up now and let you go watch the movie.